Sunday, September 12, 2010

Cooking the Raw

Thoughts in the Raw are writings that will pop up here randomly and just be an attempt to give some insight into certain states as purely, or as "raw", as possible. The states are what I personally experience though I think anyone suffering from similar disorders will find them not unfamiliar. Thoughts in the Raw though can leave people - those reading - with perhaps an incomplete understanding of what the thoughts mean or what the outcome was. So following a Thoughts in the Raw entry will come a Cooking the Raw entry to add some perspective.

For whatever reasons, be it Bipolar Disorder or something else, I am plagued by either suicidal ideation (fantasy like thoughts), urges, or the need to make suicidal plans. These had become quite severe prior to finally seeking hospitalization and professional help a little more than two months ago (early July). Medications are supposed to help but I've found that the thoughts or ideation can continue to barge into my mind unannounced. The first time startled me some because I thought the medications would have stopped them and that 'everything would be better' (you know, like when your mom would put a band-aid on a childhood owie). This happened once, twice, then three times, catching me off guard each time. So finally I decided to take a different tack and allow the thoughts to fully enter my consciousness and grow. I felt that by doing this I'd gain deeper understanding and grow stronger against them. "Know thy enemy" and all that. Doing this - recognizing the thoughts and allowing them to fully form and hear their call - is what lead to the post Thoughts in the Raw.

So if it gave one concern, I apologize. Though I still fear the thoughts, fear that Polar Bear, I feel I understand it better and am perhaps stronger against it. Writing "in the raw" I believe gives people greater insight into the mind of someone suffering such thoughts and perhaps can help build awareness. Hiding or chasing things away, I believe, is not always useful. Let it in, understand, dance with it and grow stronger. The spread that understanding and strength.

Thanks again to any and all who are following.


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